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THE BOY WHO ATE PHLEGM
A one-act morality play for four performers
by Scott Peterson



INT. SUBURBAN KITCHEN – DAY

Mrs. Porter bakes brownies as her son Johnny, a happy-go-lucky six-year-old skips into the kitchen.

                                                JOHNNY   
                        Hi mom!

                                                MRS. PORTER   
                        Well, hello Johnny.  Back so soon?

                                                JOHNNY   
                        Yeah, I got tired of beatin' on Fido wit da sink.

                                                MRS. PORTER   
                        Well, that's fine.  I just...  Johnny?  What's that
                        on your lip?

CLOSE on Johnny.  He has white goo on his lip.

                                                JOHNNY   
                        What?

                                                MRS. PORTER   
                        That white, pussey-looking substance on your
                        lower lip.

JOHNNY slurps up some of the goo.

                                                JOHNNY   
                        There ain't nothing on my lip, mah.

TWO SHOT:  MRS. PORTER grabs JOHNNY.

                                                MRS. PORTER   
                        Don't try to hide it.  I can see it right there. 
                        That disgusting mucousy blob of creamy fluid. 
                        My God!  You've been eating phlegm again.

                                                JOHNNY    
                        No mah, I swear I ain't.  My nose musta been
                        runnin' or somethin'.

                                                MRS. PORTER         
                        Don't lie to me, Johnny.  Oh God, it's bad enough
                        with­out you lying to me.  Howard!  Howard, get
                        in here!  Now don't you move an inch, young man. 
                        Howard!

                                                MR. PORTER (O.S.)
                        Where are you, Marge?

                                                MRS. PORTER   
                        In the kitchen, Howard!  Hurry!

WIDE as MR. PORTER enters, smoking a pipe.

                                                MR. PORTER
                        Well, what is it?  I heard you...
                                    (SEES JOHNNY)
                        My god!  NO!

                                                 MRS. PORTER   
                        Yes.

TWO SHOT: MR. PORTER drops to his knees beside his son.

                                                MR. PORTER
                        Johnny!  How many times have we told you,
                        warned you, counseled you, begged you not to
                        eat that awful stuff?

                                                  JOHNNY   
                        I... I know dad, but I gotta.
       
                                                MR. PORTER
                        Now you know we're going to have to punish you.
                        Up here on my knee.             

   JOHNNY bends over his MR. PORTER’S knee.

                                                MR. PORTER (cont’d)
                        LORD!

                                                MRS. PORTER   
                        Howard?  What is it?

TIGHT on JOHNNY’S BACK POCKET -  MR. PORTER pulls out a flask.

                                                MR. PORTER
                        He... he's got a flask of it in his back pocket.  An
                        entire decanter... filled with... phlegm!

MEDIUM on MRS. PORTER as she turns away dramatically.

                                         MRS. PORTER   
                        Where did we go wrong?  We've failed him, Howard. 
                        We've failed him. Sometime when he was an infant I
                        must have dropped him.  Maybe I shouldn't have
                        gone to work and left him in day care centers for so
                        many years.  Maybe I should have breast fed him.  Maybe I...

WIDE as MR. PORTER grabs his wife, Johnny small in the background.

                                                MR. PORTER
                        Now stop it, Marge.  It isn't going to help to blame
                        yourself.  Can't you see you're upsetting the boy?

                                                JOHNNY   
                        I'm sorry.  Really I am.

GRANDPA, a gentle Jimmy Stewart type, enters.
                     
                                                GRANDPA
                        Wh-what's going on here?

                                                MRS. PORTER  
                        Oh, Father, what are we going to do?

                                                GRANDPA
                        Don't tell me he's been at the phlegm again?

ANGLE ON THE TABLE as Mr. Porter throws the flask onto it.

                                                MR. PORTER
                        Yes, granddad, I'm afraid so.  Oh, it's a dark
                        day in the life of the Porter family.

ON GRANDPA as he squints at Johnny.

                                                GRANDPA
                        Well, why don't you let me have a talk with the
                        boy.

TIGHT on Johnny’s hand as Mr. Porter grabs it.

                                                MR. PORTER
                        Oh, it won't do any good.  Look, he's got the
                        sticky stuff under his fingernails too.  Probably
                        been clawin' at the back of his throat for more.

WIDE as Grandpa ushers the Porters out.

                                                GRANDPA
                        Well, let me just have a try with the boy.  You and...
                        You and Marge just take a break and I'll have a go
                        at it.

                                                MRS. PORTER   
                        Oh, I should've seen it coming.  He's been drinking
                        so much orange juice lately.    I should've seen it coming.
                        I should've seen it coming…

Her moaning fades away as MRS. PORTER and MR. PORTER exit.

                                                GRANDPA
                        Johnny…

                                                JOHNNY   
                        Yes, grandpa?

                                                GRANDPA
                        Let me tell you a little story about when I was a kid.
                        Here, hop up on my lap. 

TWO SHOT:  JOHNNY hops up.

                                                GRANDPA (cont’d)
                        Don't drool any of that phlegm onto my shirt though.
                        There.  Well, let me tell you this story.  I was a lot like
                        you when I was your age.  I thought phlegm was
                        better 'n ice cream.

                                                JOHNNY   
                        Really?

                                                GRANDPA
                        Well, sure.

EXT. PASTURE – NIGHT – (FLASHBACK)

Grandpa assaults a cow.

                                                GRANDPA (V.O.)
                        I used to sneak out into the pasture at night
                        and scrape the phlegm off the back of cow's
                        throats... told people it was yogurt.  

EXT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY

Grandpa struts down the street, white goo dripping from his chin.

                                                GRANDPA (V.O.)
                        I must've eaten a gallon a day.  Was tryin' to prove
                        something.  Tryin' to prove I was grown up, I reckon.
                        Trying to prove I was a man.  Yes sir, a man. 

EXT. MOVIE HOUSE – DAY
                
TIGHT ON Grandpa hocking up a loogie…

                                                GRANDPA (V.O.)
                        And one day I was walking past the old movie house,
                        clearing my throat to get a big clump of the thick,
                        stringy mucous, and a young lady named Mary Sue
                        came up to me.

WIDE as Mary Sue walks up to Grandpa.

TIGHT on Grandpa’s eyes sparkling.

TIGHT on Mary Sue, glowing through a soft-focus filter like in an old time movie.

                                                GRANDPA (V.O)
                        Well, I was smitten with her the first time I saw her. 
                        Blonde hair.  Blue eyes.  Sticky white fluids dripping
                        down her throat. 

ECU on Mary Sue’s throat… slick with mucous.


INT. KITCHEN – PRESENT DAY

TWO SHOT – Grandpa and Johnny

                                                GRANDPA
                        And do you know what she said to me, Johnny?

                                            JOHNNY   
                        No, what?

                                                GRANDPA
                        She said to me, "Bobby," course everybody called
                        me Bobby back then.    "Bobby," she said, "Bobby…”

 
EXT. MOVIE HOUSE – DAY (FLASHBACK)

TWO SHOT – Grandpa and Mary Sue.   Her mouth moves but we hear Grandpa’s voice through the voice over.
 
                                                GRANDPA (V.O.)
                       “How's about you and me go and get naked."  Well, I
                        was so excited I clean forgot about the phlegm on
                        the back of my throat and I hollered as loud as I could.

Grandpa hollers, coating Mary Sue in phlegm.

                                                GRANDPA (V.O.)
                        Mary Sue was buried in a giant wad of my own throat
                        secretions.  We tried to get her out but it was too late. 
                        She had suffocated. 

Paramedics, firemen, and keystone cops labor over her body.   Grandpa weeps.


INT. KITCHEN – PRESENT DAY

TIGHT TWO SHOT -  Johnny’s mouth drops open, his eyes like saucers.

                                                GRANDPA (cont’d)
                        And I realized then what I want to pass on to you
                        now, Johnny.   Phlegm don't make a man.  Pride,
                        integrity, guts, determination: they're what make a
                        man.  Not phlegm.  Do you understand what I'm
                        sayin'?

                                                JOHNNY   
                        I think so, grandpa.

 Johnny thinks long and hard for a moment, and then:

                                                   JOHNNY (cont’d)
                         Grandpa, can I ask you somethin'?

                                                GRANDPA
                         Well sure, Johnny.

                                                JOHNNY   
                        Did you ever get to taste Mary Sue's phlegm?

                                                GRANDPA
                        Heh heh heh.  Go on and play, Johnny.  Go on and play.

Grandpa shakes his head at the incorrigible lad as Johnny runs out to play.

                                                                                                FADE OUT.

 

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